Yuletide in the Foggy City

Grateful for our tree

Christmas will always bring to mind the woman I saw in the Emergency Department last year. She was around forty, had epilepsy, and came in because she had "gone into convulsions" that morning. Her husband brought her in at 4 AM, explained that she had fallen out of bed and bitten her tongue, and then then had gone to work while she was treated. Although it was clearly painful to talk, she wanted to. She told me she had come to our hospital because when she went to the general hospital after a seizure, the staff assumed she was drunk or high because she was Black. "It hurt my pride when they treated me like that," she told me with a bleeding tongue, "I don't abuse my body with drugs or drinking." As she and I talked, it became clear that she had been off her seizure medications because she was saving up for Christmas. "I asked the kids if they wanted a tree or presents more, and of course they said presents. They've been good kids, so they'll get their toys. We'll just do without the tree this year, things have been rough with the money."

Stockings, candles in the grate, and apple pie for Santa

Stories like this always remind me to be thankful for how much we do have -- our health, each other, and more than enough money to live on. We had such a joyful and abundant Christmas, with both a tree and presents, and I only wish everyone could be as fortunate.

Card games around the table

Our traditions vary, but this year my whole family and B (B and I were at his parents' for Thanksgiving and my parents' for Christmas) played a board game around the dining table, Apples to Apples. My father won, which makes this the second year in a row he had won the Christmas game! Well done, Dad. We also spent Christmas Eve dinner together, and my dad had Tandoori chicken, palak paneer, and other delicious food for us to eat. Our Christmas Day brunch was tasty too (but then, I made it and I only made food I like!): whole wheat flapjacks (some with chocolate chips), chicken and beef sausage, garlic and cheddar home fries, and eggs with toast. We were all full on Christmas morning, although I did sneak back for an extra flapjack. We opened presents together in the living room, and it was just a lovely feeling to be together, with B there for the first time.

A thoroughly spoiled Samantha

Even Samantha, my American Girl doll from back when it was still The Pleasant Company and American Girl had not been sold to Mattel, had a new fancy purse and a plush Christmas mouse. After we had all opened our presents, we bundled up and went out to see the new Tin Tin. We used to read the Tin Tin comic books in India, so it was a fun treat. The movie was well made and the visual effects were beautiful. It was a very simple story, and family friendly. There was a camel that was so touchably fluffy with such long eyelashes that I wanted to take it home.

Family Movie

 

Laughter around the food table

We had a gathering in our home the night before New Year's Eve. We were joined by old family friends whom we've known for years. It was so nice to see them all again amid laughter and stories of 2011. We had food and friendship as we bid the old year good-bye. I'm glad to welcome 2012. I hope it will bring us luck. If you look in the middle of the food table behind the grapes, you will see a square gingerbread on a square plate. Here is my Pumpkin Gingerbread Recipe to keep you warm in the chill -- be careful not to over-bake, it is better moist and also better on the 3rd day.

Pumpkin Gingerbread

Pre-heat oven to 350. Take out two large mixing bowls. Into each, add the following:

Bowl 1:

2 cups brown sugar
1/2 cup honey
1/2 cup olive oil
4 eggs
2/3 cup water
1 can pumpkin
1 tbs powdered ginger
1 tbs cinnamon
1/2 tsp cloves
1 tsp pumpkin or allspice
Pinch nutmeg

Bowl 2:

1 cup white flour
2.5 cups whole wheat flour
1/2-1 tsp baking soda (depends on your baking conditions)
1/2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt

Mix each bowl separately and well. Fold dry ingredients into wet.
Mix just until evenly blended. Pour into 10x10 in pan or two 9" loaf pans.
Bake 1 hr at 350. Remove to cooling rack when a knife comes out clean. Serve on the 2nd or 3rd day, warmed, with ice cream or fruit.

There were so many parties and potlucks around the holidays, including for work. I am currently trying to decide between Neurology and Pediatrics for a career (potentially Child Neurology). The rules for how to apply to which are quite convoluted. I don't know what will happen, but I hope that it all somehow works out... I will let you know! I need to meet with advisors, write an appropriate resume, and try to get in touch with my former classmates (many of whom are graduating this year, meaning that they are applying to the residency Match right now). Isn't it strange that a computer algorithm determines your post-MD placement? It's a bit scary, but then everything worth doing is. I'll post about what happens.

Office potluck -- everyone digging in

There are so many projects I want to work on all at once. I don't know which to do first. There is the lab work, other work-related projects, career planning, household stuff, wedding wrap-up. It's all wonderful, though, in a sense. My mother was right: it is fun to be a grown-up.

Wet Malamute

We have finally gotten the rain we will need to prevent another big summer drought. As I write this, though, I have a grown-up dilemma: the next-door neighbor's dogs are locked out on their patio, it's pouring, and the younger of the two is chewing up and ripping apart their wooden window blinds trying to get into the house through the window. The neighbors have gone out, or else they aren't answering the doorbell. They've just moved here and I don't have their number. Should I leave them a note? I've told the dog, "No!" but that is all I can do without breaking into their yard (not a good idea with strange dogs). Poor, wet, angry doggies.

I Am Done with Step 2 CK!!

Simulated Exam Screen with Heart Mitral Valve (score95.com)

I haven't written in a very long while, because I was overwhelmed by that anxious, itchy feeling of not knowing how you've done on a very important exam. As you know already, I was wondering what would happen if I did very poorly or didn't pass. But last Wednesday I got my Step 2 CK (Clinical Knowledge) results back, and not only did I pass, I passed comfortably. No 'squeaking by' like with Step 1. What a wonderful Christmas present! And maybe I'll stop making careless mistakes in lab now. A huge weight has been lifted. I'm hungry again. I care about life again. And I'll start posting more frequently now that I have a little more time to devote to writing.

B and I went to LA this past weekend so he could visit old law school friends and I could take Step 2 CS (Clinical Skills). It's an in-person exam set in a simulated clinic. The exam was so odd. We were in a long hallway with over twenty doors, and standardized patients behind every door, and proctors in the hall, and buzzers and announcements going overhead. I felt under time pressure and could not do a lot of physical exam, sadly, so I hope that is okay in terms of whatever grading rubric they use. And it's a pass/fail exam, so I just hope I pass. I don't need a good score :) I am not allowed to say anything about the actual content of the exam, but it was just a weird experience. They are all actors. For one patient, I wasn't sure if he was "supposed" to be malingering -- that is, pretending to have symptoms for some other benefit. But he was an actor, which meant I was pretending to be concerned about his pretend symptoms while trying not to act as though I thought he was pretending to pretend. And they say it isn't an acting exam.

So, in a word: Phew!!

Gingerbread and Counting One's Blessings

Thanksgiving is almost here, and we have more than enough to be thankful for. B passed the California Bar Exam! He was enormously relieved, especially given that two of his twenty colleagues did not pass this time around. B will also be on the East Coast for a few months this spring for an internship, and then will be looking for work. Where he ends up will determine where I seek a residency next year.

Assuming I pass my own exam. Results haven’t arrived yet, so I feel a bit stuck in limbo right now. I keep playing the ‘what-if’ game – what if I failed? What on earth do I do then? What if I never graduate from medical school? Finally, I got so tired of this that I called my own bluff and started to compile a list of alternate careers I could do if medicine did not work out:

Clinical research director. High school teacher. Biostatistician. Medical transcriptionist. Policy analyst. Medical writer. Bench scientist/technician. Guidance counselor (ironic). Riding for the disabled instructor. Any other thoughts?

The clinical skills exam is coming up in mid-December, and I plan to start studying immediately after Thanksgiving break. We are going to his parents for Thanksgiving and mine for Christmas. Things at work are a bit hectic, as well – I feel guilty going anywhere for Thanksgiving because it puts a forced pause in an experiment where no pause should be, and my boss offered to feed my cells over the Thanksgiving weekend. Yuck. There’s nothing like knowing you are putting your boss out to take the fun out of a holiday. I am also hugely inexperienced and am dealing with quite a steep learning curve. I’m sure that I supply the more seasoned scientists with plenty of laughter over my naive mistakes. 

As you can probably tell, I am feeling all out of balance... plans I thought I had made so carefully to schedule things out this year have gone awry, and I just hope that somehow it will all work out. I am learning important things about myself, though – I do not think I want a wildly unpredictable career where I play five different roles and juggle far too many responsibilities. Although I doubt any medical career could ever be low-stress, I would like medium as opposed to very high stress on a daily basis. A little bit of time for family would be nice, as well. I think that this culture really does emphasize doing as much as you possibly can, and de-emphasizes things like family time, sleeping, and food. No wonder obesity has become a problem – poor, stressed-out working people have too little time to cook, so they simply eat processed foods or eat out all the time. And they are so busy working that they are never able to go for a walk. It's a double whammy.

Anyhow, one of the sovereign remedies for the blues is to think happy thoughts. Funny things qualify: the other day, the children who live above us were dancing around while it was raining out. Somehow, the rain amplified their footsteps until it sounded like an army was marching over our heads. Of course, they will now forever be known as the Storm Troopers.

Secondly, one of B's colleagues called Swarthmore College, our alma mater, a "potted Ivy." I thought this was both highly flattering and quite appropriate (but then, I'm biased. I loved Swarthmore).

Another form of happy thinking (appropriate for the upcoming season) is to list the stuff you are grateful for. So here goes... 

Things I am Grateful For: (Here are the ones I can think of right now, in no particular order)

Being happily and newly married.
All the wonderful people who came to our wedding/sent us love.
Living in the same town as my brother!
Having adorable parents fifteen minutes away.
Warm gingerbread with cold milk.
My thirteen-year-old cat, who is still pretty feisty.
The friends I've made in medical school, and the friends from college who stuck around.
Having a job with good colleagues.
A car, a roof over our heads, food, comfortable clothes, and some extra goodies.
Good in-laws. Seriously.

To facilitate putting the attitude of gratitude into practice, I just got one of my favorite things in the world: a new blank journal. It's been a year since I kept one. For $3.99, isn't it worth it to feel as though your life is, once again, a clean, fresh sheet of paper just waiting to be written on? The only feeling that tops it is when you've filled it.

Emerging from the Library

The Step 2 CK exam was yesterday. It was a long, grueling nine hours, and by the time it was over, I was so brain-dead that I have no idea whether I made it or not.  It felt terrible to leave the testing center thinking that I might have done badly after studying so hard. I did feel like I was catching up during my studying, but still. Not a great feeling. And there is quite a lot riding on this exam. It is sickening not to know if my career goals will come to pass. After imagining out every possible scenario and moping around for a bit, I decided that regardless of the outcome, it's going to be weeks until I find out. And regardless of the outcome, I did what I could in the time that I had. It is now in greater hands than mine. So in the meantime, I'll write a bit about what's going on now that the board exams are (for the moment) over.

The grass is greener on the other side.

Catfish the Siamese is home, after spending a little vacation at my parents' so that I could actually get some sleep (she enjoys parading across the bed and meowing for food at 5 am every morning). I went over to my parents' place to collect her right after the exam, and was able to spend a good long time with the family. B came with me, and my brother even stopped by. It was so nice to have an impromptu family gathering.  The weather has been trending towards chilly rain with a generous helping of clear, bright days.

This morning we went to the farmer's market -- there will be just one more next Sunday and then the harvest season will be over. Guess what has come into season whilst I was studying? Fuyu persimmons! We also found fresh cauliflower, tomatoes, onions, and apples. They were selling apple cider but we decided to pass this time around. It doesn't last as long in our house as the apples do! We sliced up our bell peppers onto whole wheat toast (B's home-baked bread) with mozzarella and tomato puree -- our marinara open-face sandwiches were delicious.

B making bread dough.

A golden loaf, fresh out of the oven.

The end product!

We also took a short journey to Golden Gate Park this afternoon to enjoy the November sunshine. There were so many families out walking or boating, and any number of ducks, seagulls, and flowers still in bloom.

A bright yellow blossom seems to say, "Cheer up, cheer up! Life is worth living!"

The moss, trees, bridges -- everything felt fresh and interesting. It was lovely to be outdoors instead of studying. The animals at the lake are used to people and will let you get pretty close, hoping to be fed.

Contented ducks.

The Canada geese were quite docile.

Sleek geese getting nervous before Thanksgiving.

We made friends with an elderly gentleman who was feeding the seagulls -- I was able to catch their excitement as they flew up to catch the breadcrumbs!

Free meals draw crowds.

Whee!

As we drove home, we were treated to a beautiful early sunset against the autumn clouds.

It didn't seem real to us, either.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, I saw an article in the September Education issue of the NY Times Magazine discussing the differencing between raising overachievers and raising children with "true grit" -- the strength of character to succeed in the face of adversity. It really spoke to what I've been thinking about lately and what my boss and I have discussed -- that life is not an IQ test, and that your drive, optimism, gratitude, social skills, curiosity, and sheer gumption will get you a lot farther in life than just intelligence ever could. It's called "What if the Secret to Success is Failure?" I think the title is misleading, though; it's more about whether character can be taught than whether failure is needed for success.

For someone in my particular position (that is, trying to learn a set of skills, earn a degree, and begin a profession), it was a very hopeful read. It's been a more difficult road than I anticipated, for a whole host of reasons, so it was nice to hear that continuing to strive for the goal is worth something in itself.

A red-eared slider at the lake. Slow and steady wins the race.

Happy Halloween!

It's absolutely my favorite holiday of the year, so even though I am studying, I could not help but post a short post in celebration. We put out a jack o'lantern that I painted (okay, with a permanent pen) instead of carved because we plan to (insert evil laugh) eat him.

We had about a dozen trick-or-treaters, with the most popular female costumes being cats and Minnie Mouse, and the most popular male costumes being monsters (all black with a scary mask). Best female costume: Harry Potter! Best male costume: A soldier with a purple heart.

Best group costume: Three Muni trains! If you've ever ridden the Muni in San Francisco, you will understand why it is appropriately scary. They were beautifully detailed, with working headlights, perfect logos, and the correct route stuck on their fronts. They even had advertisements on the sides! Here they are getting derailed...

... and eating their lunches. Trains need fuel. Ironically, these MUNIs chose Subway for lunch.

It was a beautiful Halloween night as the sun set over the sea...

 And here is the Haunted Wood on my way home from work:

Hope you had a Happy Halloween!

To NIH and Back Again

The NIH Clinical Hospital: Every patient is on a research protocol

I recently made a brief journey to the National Institutes of Health for what I believe qualifies as my first-ever business trip! That is, if you consider a 'business trip' to be one that is both mandated and paid for by your employer. It was an incredible trip. I met nearly 100 other medical students also taking a year "off" from school to do research. They represented an incredible range of schools and interests. I took a chance by going to a neurology networking lunch one afternoon, and was invited to do an elective at NIH next year by one of the physicians there! Wow. We also attended presentations about residency selection, balancing a clinical practice with a research career, finding funding, and dealing with student loans.

The keynote speakers were very famous people -- Francis Collins (NIH director, working on aging), Anthony Fauci (he and his PI essentially discovered the treatment for Wegner's granulomatosis and his lab went on to develop AZT, the first antiretroviral, discovered much of the natural history of HIV/AIDS, and convinced three presidents to fund AIDS interventions in Africa), and Marston Linehan, whose lab is responsible for discovering the basic pathways of kidney cancer AND creating new techniques to vastly extend life in patients with kidney cancer. I was in awe that such brilliant people were also such good speakers and seemed very personable. They encouraged us to take over from them in the next generation. What shoes to fill!

Building 50: My Old Lab!

We were housed at the Hyatt in Bethesda -- my roommate was a wonderful person who studies colon cancer risk decisions and wants to be a rural family medicine doctor. I was very glad to have met her. I also reunited with medical students I had met on the interview trail years ago, but had gone somewhere else. There was not too much time to socialize except for the meals --  which were delicious and plentiful. I was very grateful that NIH had organized the weekend for those of us funded through NIH student grants (of which there are many). Bethesda was beautiful in October -- crisp air, deep blue skies, fluffy clouds, and trees just beginning to change. I very much enjoyed being back there after four years away. It was over so soon.

Trees Changing Color at NIH

I flew home and found, to my surprise, that I was sitting next to two medical students from Yale, a year my junior, going to a surgical conference in the Bay Area! We spoke at great length about the Bay Area and medicine versus surgery. We called our little area of the plane 'Medical Student Row,' and were continually being visited by other students on board who were also attending the same conference.

Cat in a Bag

NIH or no NIH, however, there is no place like home. My sweet cat had been moping around, according to B, but she was perky when I arrived, and we found her contently chewing on a receipt in a brown paper bag that evening.

Cactus and Aloe in Window Silhouette

Exam Rose!

Our plants were looking wonderful, the rose B had given me to cheer me up was still in bloom -- and this reminds me that now, and for the next month or so, you will please forgive me if you hear very little from me. I must somehow gear up for all the examinating that lies ahead. There are now only 18 days between myself and Step 2 CK.

Boundaries and Bosses

I have two bosses. They are both incredibly bright, lovely women who happen to have advanced degrees and a lot of clout. Big Boss is the head of our lab. She is one of those people who looks between 10 and 15 years younger than they are. She is very driven, down-to-earth, straightforward, and to the point. She is always juggling several things at once but somehow manages to get all the important things done. She keeps her promises. She doesn't have a lot of patience with personnel drama. However, her husband works in her lab, so I have a window into her world through their interactions.

The second boss I call my Little Boss. She is a young attending physician-scientist who works in the lab, and I'm helping her with her first big research study. She has a three-year grant and has nearly completed the work mid-way through her second year. She has been that kind of worker throughout medical school and her PhD program. However, she and her husband have just adopted a two-year-old boy and she is feeling a powerful maternal urge, I think. She is now planning to leave academia this year for half-time private practice so she will have more time with her son. I do not know that this goal will materialize for her, given the climate of private practice these days. I hope it will, since she feels compelled to leave so soon to pursue it. I have my doubts.

My Little Boss

I have come to realize that in my lab, the blurring of boundaries between work and home is so great that most of the folks who work here could write each others' biographies. Each day, we all sit down to lunch for an hour from noon to twelve, the unwritten rule being: No Work Talk. Every time I have mentioned work at lunch, I have been gently hushed until I, greenhorn that I am, got the message. It is the socializing, networking, debating, and gossiping hour, but never work. It seems so civilized and old-fashioned. It is a far cry from the inpatient hospital world, where sitting down is a crime and chewing (meaning eating) a sin. In addition, Little Boss and Big Boss tell me so much about their lives. I know about their kids', pets, spouses, their home lives, etc. Perhaps the culture is that way because everyone is a parent -- Big Boss has two teens, four others have grown-up kids, and Little Boss as well as two other scientists all have kids under two.

Little Boss says that part of the reason she wants to leave is that she thinks that private practice will have more well-defined hours. For instance, in our lab, she can go home in the middle of the day if she wants to have lunch with her son. But she hates feeling that research is this amorphous entity that could take up 20 hours a day if she allowed it to. She'd rather have the stricter hours of a clinic, knowing that when she packed up for the day, she was not bringing her work home with her. I think the people she works with are far more important than the job description on paper -- if they value family time, that will affect the culture of the workplace. I personally think our lab environment is much more family friendly than the clinics I've seen -- of course, I've only really seen clinics that are affiliated with big hospitals. Perhaps community clinics are more flexible.

I am very grateful for this year. It is giving me a chance to study, think, earn a little money, work hard but sleep enough, and reflect about my future. I really, really needed it after an emotionally overwhelming and academically underwhelming third year. The other day, Little Boss introduced me as her "senior medical student," and I could not help but think that I am really too far behind in my studies to be referred to as such. Then again, that is what my precious year is for.

Today, both bosses were helping me prepare for my lab meeting on Friday afternoon. Big Boss wanted me to include more basic science, more details about the mechanisms, signaling molecules, hypotheses and how we were going to test them. Little Boss was of the opinion that this would put my audience to sleep, and that I needed to clarify the basic principles, questions, and background. The lab meeting is a practice session for the Works in Progress talk I am giving to the other year-long research fellows on Wednesday. That one is a bit more nerve-wracking because there will be another student speaking as well, before me, and one whom I know to be very hard-working. Anyhow, my task now will be to take the advice of Little Boss while somehow also pleasing Big Boss. I am so thankful for all this feedback and attention -- it's far more than I got last year. It is challenging, though, to navigate two opposing opinions -- clearly, Big Boss trumps Little Boss, but I work much, much more closely with Little Boss and want to keep her happy.

My only fear is that I will be pressured to divulge all the personal details of my life while at work. I guess I just have to guard against it. I have already been put in an awkward position a few times because my higher-ups ask me to keep secrets from one another; I don't want them to know enough about me to get under my skin. Ironically, it's safer perhaps to discuss things here, on this online blog, than at work. It's getting late now, so I think I will turn in for the evening. Good-night!