How Am I Going to Learn Enough?!

I am so frustrated right now. I've spent the past few days reading about ventilator management, lung volumes, and acute respiratory distress syndrome. We've covered congestive heart failure and why the traditional way of thinking about acid-base disorders is incomplete. However, for some reason I just can't get questions right when people ask me point blank. For instance, even though I read an article my preceptor suggested a few days ago, I just couldn't summarize it when he asked me to this morning. What has happened to my recall? In high school, that wouldn't have been a problem. In fact, I think memorizing medicine in general would have been easier in high school.

I'm quite sure the British system does have something over us -- they take kids right out of high school and teach them, so they still have the ability to stay up all night and study, or memorize things as soon as they read them. I don't know if my brain is aging or rusty, but it's just maddening to know that you can't recall something that you thought you knew. Today, at the end of the day, a neurologist was quizzing me about locations of strokes in the brain. I *knew* this stuff at the end of last year -- and now it's gone -- poof -- like the wind. F*%K. A great way to end the day, looking like an idiot in front of your senior resident. Terrific. I'm being quizzed about everything except the lung on this pulmonary rotation.

And here's the twenty-four million dollar question: If I don't have this stuff memorized now, when on earth am I going to have a chance to learn it? How am I ever going to become the type of doctor I want to be -- the kind that understands physiology, biochemistry, and disease? How many times a day can I feel like a complete idiot? When will I know how to manage patients on my own? What the hell is wrong with me? Seriously, just shoot me now.

The child upstairs is singing 'Colors of the Wind.' The most relevant line from that song:

You'll learn things you never knew you never knew.

It's clearly a song about med school.

Anyway, there has been another milestone in the process of becoming a doctor: I have my basic lifesaving skills card, and I actually performed my first real CPR during a Code Blue in the ICU on Friday. It's physically more demanding than I realized. He was in shock, of a type that has a very high mortality, so the prognosis was unfortunately grim from the start. Then I had to call the family to let them know that the patient had passed away. I was grateful that my resident trusted me to make the phone call myself.

You know, what they don't tell you about medicine is that it's not the long hours, the terrible things that happen, or the yuck factor that makes it difficult. For me, the long hours are fine as long as I have enough food; the patients are the brightest part of my day, even if things are taking a turn for the worse, because you can't just abandon people if things go to pot; and the yuck factor is negligent because I was fortunately given a strong stomach. It's the doctors. The residents sometimes, and the senior doctors often. Some of them have a gift for teaching students, but most do not. They personally resent the extra work teaching requires, no matter that they chose to remain in academics. A few seem to particularly enjoy humiliating medical students, especially if there's an audience or a competitive aspect involved (like grades).  I guess it does make them look smarter, but how are they going to feel when one of those junior doctors is the one taking care of them when they grow old? The Hippocratic oath involves promising to teach the next generation of doctors as though they are your own lineage, not as though you are shooting fish in a barrel, and I hope I remember that if/when I get to that stage in my career. Hazing went out with the baby boomers.

For this reason, I am dreading my presentation tomorrow. What should be an opportunity to present and learn something will instead become a who-can-take-turns-outshining-the-dumb-med-student session. Am I the only one surprised that many doctors are, to put it mildly, not very nice people?

Okay, done venting. Mom and Dad, it's still worth it. Make change from the inside, and all that.

I'm So Terrified.

Medicine is terrifying. On Monday, I officially begin the first rotation of my fourth year. I will be expected to know more than I did last year, to care for patients more fully, to have memorized a larger percentage of relevant facts. That is scary enough; but at least the damage I can do to my patients will be limited by the supervision of those above me. One thing that really scares me, though, is being expected to teach third years. I do not know enough to teach third years! I've been off the wards for an entire year. I have no idea what I'm going to do or how I'm going to learn the material I need to learn. This afternoon I am having a little attack of nerves that makes it hard to breathe, let alone study. I'm going to go home to my nice B and spread my books out on the dining room table and try to get some work done. It's just difficult to read and process information as though you have all the time in the world when you have a Clock O' Doom ticking in the back of your mind.

Change is Good. Change is Good. Change is Good.

"The old order changeth, yielding place to new

And God fulfills himself in many ways 

Lest one good custom should corrupt the world."

-- Lord Alfred Tennyson, The Passing of Arthur

Here I am, just before another corner. Friday was my last day in lab. On Thursday, my lab took me out to lunch at Pacific Catch at the corner of Lincoln and 9th, which was amazing. They gave me parting gifts -- a pediatric rheumatology textbook from my boss, a cute cardigan from our senior technician, and yummy hand lotion and tea infuser from my junior mentor. I brought them thank-you gifts, but was touched to receive things from them. I think the art of gift-giving is dying. It's sad. But that's another blog post. Anyway, with the lab folks, I really felt as though we had managed the true spirit of giving something you think the other person will like because you appreciate them and were thinking about them. One way to achieve this is to limit spending. Small consumables are more likely to make it into the "how thoughtful, I'll definitely use this," category.

Lab bench, all cleaned up before I leave for good.

The last few months of the research year are over. It's been fun. One highlight was a student conference at the Mayo Clinic -- technically it was free, but I have yet to be reimbursed :(. I roomed with a Pharmacy student, and we even went running by the river in Rochester.  We saw goslings! Rochester is a really cute little town. They are trying to encourage diversity, which means our waitress didn't know how to pronounce the eight very non-Christian names at our table, but actually cared about how to say them. The conference was interesting, but the food was unfortunately better than the content. You know there's something wrong when a poster you stumble across on your way to lunch is better than any of the day's speakers, keynote included. That said, there was some *amazing* student work presented. Out of three keynotes, the last was actually mind-blowing (pun intended) -- a neurosurgeon who has been part of a team that is inventing an implantable chip to measure neurotransmitter levels (like dopamine) in the brain, and then transmit the information to a computer. Amazing!! There will be so many applications for the technology.

Another random, cool event was my old high school best friend, Div, coming in from Dubai! She was visiting her brother on the peninsula and they all came up to the city for dinner, so B & I joined them. We ate at Udupi Palace, a South Indian restaurant. Delicious but precarious -- the dinner plates were literally too big for the tables, so the edges were hanging off the sides over our laps! Div is doing well, and unofficially planning a wedding! She's in banking, not a bio teacher as she originally planned, and I'm going to be a pediatrician, not a lawyer like I was thinking about in high school.

High school friends, 10 years later!

I'm trying to write a personal statement for residency. Meaning that I'm thinking about trying to write a personal statement about residency. It's much, much harder than I anticipated because I'm switching fields. All my research and volunteer work has been in aging/rheumatology up until now, and now I'm shifting gears entirely and working with kids and embryology. Somehow, I have to articulate my trajectory, the 'ah-ha' moments, and why I want to work with kids. I feel like there is an entire category of things -- exams, personal statements, impressing my supervisors -- that I'm no longer rocking. Nia needs her groove back. Ah, well. If you can't beat 'em, just keep plodding forward.

B is home from DC. People keep asking how married life is. It's awesome, because I'm rooming with my life partner. It's so worth it. It's something I'm grateful for every day. We celebrated our one year anniversary by running Bay to Breakers, which is a 12K (7.5 mile) race that starts down by the San Francisco Embarcadero and winds its way through the city and Golden Gate Park to end at Ocean Beach. It was on my bucket list, and B kindly agreed to run it with me. I was the 6202nd runner to cross the finish out of 23, 072, and the 1853/11,793 woman, at a pace of 10:22 minutes/mile (1 hour 17 minutes overall). Not too shabby. B was my coach and ran with me, instead of jetting on ahead. Nice B! Che and Rica did B2B as well, walking in costume (thousands of people dress up), and we all met up at the end for tacos!! Yum. Che was a naked lady and Rica was a superhero. My favorite costume was the guy who dressed up like he was riding an ostrich, with feet dangling on either side of the bird, so it looked like the ostrich was running the race. My least favorite costume was The Silver Surfer -- running behind his reflective outfit was like having a glaring mirror in my face for three sunny miles. I also enjoyed seeing the Salmon, who always run the race as a 'school,' backward from Ocean Beach to the Embarcadero (going upriver to spawn). I almost got a salmon high-five. The most popular costume was a pair, running as the Lorax and The Tree -- the tree was nearly 8 feet high!

I am going on vacation.

The next two weeks will be packed: Open House party this weekend with our friends & my parents' friends, etc, and then a week of very intense review/getting things done before my pulmonary rotation. The Open House will be a nice break from reality. We are sending the cat on vacation to my parents' for the party, because my mom wants to attend and she's allergic to the cat. My dad saw our place last week, took one look around at the mess, and said, "Well, since our friends (meaning real adults) are coming, you can host the party at our house if you want." Thanks, Dad. Thanks a lot. But then, he has many strengths beyond tact. I hope the weather is nice so we can go outside. I don't remember much clinical medicine, so I need to study like crazy. I bought and borrowed the books for my rotations, and they all weigh a ton. I really hope 4th year works. I am excited to study more focused areas of medicine than I did with my longitudinal clerkship. Also, wouldn't it be nice to have an MD?

Here's the To-Do:

Open House!
Study pulmonary medicine
Study neonatology
Study child neurology
Write personal statement for residency
Research rheumatoid arthritis paper
Write rheumatoid arthritis paper
Meet with pediatrics department chair/advisor
Come up with list of residencies to apply to
Get photo taken for residency
Ask research mentor for a recommendation letter

Busy = Happy.

Love,
Nia

Death on our Floor

Our lab is under quarantine. Someone in another lab on our floor died, so the whole floor has been cordoned off and we all have to take antibiotic prophylaxis. The poor guy. My boss called me at home to let me know. So I guess I work from home/library on Monday, until this is resolved. Good thing I didn't leave my workout clothes at work. And glad that all the medical students are required to have vaccinations. I'm afraid all my transfected cells will die, and that's a year's work. But that is nothing compared to what the guy's family must be feeling. Oh, I hope he didn't have any children. Or parents. Or a spouse. Or siblings. Anyway, my job now is go pick up my prescription and then text or e-mail my boss to let her know she can check me off the prophylaxis list.

P.S. I have edited this to remove any identifying details, and am not authorized to discuss them publicly, but I will update family in a private email.

Change is in the Air Again!

Okay, although I am totally overwhelmed, I need to write. So much has happened this month. Much of it has been very, very good and exciting. A lot of it is scary. And no, I'm not pregnant.

Basically, next month is the culmination of the research year. Some of you have already heard that my molecular biology project was going really slowly. However, the fellowship I'm on expects us to have a finished, completed project that we did ourselves at the end of the year. So around December/January, I panicked a little bit and tried to think of something I could do that piqued my interests, aligned with my abilities, and was feasible in a condensed time frame if I worked hard. The project I came up with looked at predictors of refractory disease in rheumatoid arthritis patients, which I was totally psyched about because it was clinical, had statistics, and dealt with both medicine and health disparities/epidemiology.

I've basically been working every day for a long time on this project, and I finally have results! I love my data. But they are alarming, showing differences in outcomes based on level of education when adjusted for medication use and other factors. I am beyond excited that it looks like we have some interesting data. I just sent the dataset to my mentor, so I'm just crossing my fingers that she doesn't run my numbers and get something totally different. That would be a minor tragedy. My big boss I think was a little skeptical at first, but she seemed pleased at my lab meeting today and had some great ideas for what to do next.

So next week I have to somehow do the following: Finish and practice my talk, actually do the 10-minute talk for a symposium, present my poster, finish my resume and personal summary form for the Dean's office to kickstart the residency application process, go to a 2-hour evening journal club (which curtails my ability to speak with my husband on the East Coast, sadness), finish additional data analysis for my presentation, work on a different poster for a different project I've been doing on the side, and pack for a 3-day conference the week after that. Oh, and remember to give my little boss a birthday present. Actually, when I write it all down it doesn't feel so bad anymore. Thank you, therapeutic blogging. I was sad to miss meeting up with my Auntie from India, who was only in town tonight, due to a confluence of work-related and traffic-related factors. But she got to hang out with my dad (she's dad's brother's wife).

In the next month, I have to finish all my research because then I'm back on the wards! Here's my 4th year clinical schedule:

2 weeks of adult pulmonary medicine
4 weeks of neonatal intensive care nursery
4 weeks of child neurology
4 weeks of pediatric genetics
4 weeks of child rheumatology
4 weeks of adult internal medicine
4 weeks for residency interviews + some vacation time (or time to mourn lack of interviews!)
4 weeks of To Be Determined + some vacation time
4 weeks pediatric infectious disease
4 weeks of end of year required curriculum

I am so excited about this. If I do apply in child neurology, I'd like to fit in some adult neurology somewhere. So little time, so much to learn. Many of my old classmates are graduating soon. I'm a little sad when I think of it, but I'm very, very glad that I took a research year. Although I've been in medical school so long (6 years next year!) that when I graduate, it will be quite a shock to my system. If I had gone straight through, which is a big if, I could have been a 2nd-year resident by now. Then again, hopefully the added maturity will be a good thing when I have an MD behind my hybrid name. I should blog about changing my name. Anyhow, I am also nervous/excited because I finally was able to arrange a meeting with the child neurology department chair, whom everyone literally raves about (Pediatric department chair: "I'd trust her with my life...in fact, I have").

In fun news, I'm also doing Bay to Breakers! So are three people from my lab, one of my old friends who is coming in from out of town, and B. I'm so pleased B agreed to be my running buddy. He usually tries to do shorter distances because he needs to be able to sprint for Ultimate, but he was really nice about the 12K. I'm told the entire first half of the race is uphill. Ick. But then, I was also told that it's so crowded that you are forced to walk at points.

For those who asked, B is doing well. He and the other employees got to take a big group photo with The Boss of the House that Shall Not Be Named. Pretty snazzy.

And, just in case you were wondering about my political views, you heard it here first:
Keep your MITTens off my kittens. No more drama. Vote Obama.

April Showers, a 12K, & The Match!

It has been raining a lot. My research facility is located on a hill, which means that you get pretty wet from rivulets and waterfalls as you climb up to work. I think we're getting all the downpour we missed out on this winter. I am lucky enough to own two beautiful umbrellas and good shoes, so I can actually enjoy the torrents. Usually with a hot cup of tea. I'm drinking way more tea than will be sustainable on the wards. Yes, it's almost that time -- the moment I go back to the clinical life! Yikes (Which end of the patient is up, again?). It seemed so far away all year, but now I'm only two months away.

Warming up before the race

On the Sunday after St. Patrick's Day, we ran a 12K (~7.5 miles) to benefit the Edgewood Children's Foundation called Emerald 12K Across the Bay. It was a beautiful run, staring at Fort Baker and climbing up the (steep!) hill to the Golden Gate Bridge, crossing the bridge, and then winding down past Chrissy Field and ending near Ghirardelli square. My dad walked the whole 7.5 miles!

Beautiful views of the bay the whole 7.5 miles

Post-race party with live band at Ghirardelli square

Free chocolate milk from the Nesquik rabbit

The weather was breezy, sunshiny, and cold in the morning but perfect for running. As I crossed the bridge, I saw huge, graceful pelicans fishing at the mouth of the bay. I could see Alcatraz like a jewel in the water. It was amazing. I've never run that far before. My time was 1:20:38, for a pace of 10:49/mile. Just for perspective, the winning female runner did it at 5:32/mile. She's a year older than I am!

Speaking of clinical life, the Match happened two weeks ago. The Match is a huge, nationwide event that occurs the third week of March. Medical school seniors crowd into a room, open tiny white envelopes, and find out which residency program they'll be working at for the next three (or four, or ten) years. My friends all matched! Most of them seemed very happy. E is doing internal medicine. CL is doing pediatrics, and had some great advice for me. Dee is doing internal medicine. T is going to LA to do psychiatry, which is great because his wife, K, was offered a teaching position down there (congrats you guys)! Maybe they'll go all Hollywood on me and start doctoring/teaching the stars? Mimi won her coveted dermatology spot, for those of you who were biting their fingernails. Many, many people are staying in or around the SF Bay Area, which means I might see them once every six months during their training...

The evening of Match Day, there was a class party at a cafe near the beach. I went even though I am no longer in their class, just to say congratulations. Unluckily, it was pouring rain (again). Luckily, it was indoors and we had seats by the fire. Butters brewed an awesome, hoppy beer and brought it! Dee baked a pie (her first! With homemade crust! It was delicious). There was wine and excitement and congratulations. I couldn't believe how grown-up everyone looked. I am so very proud of them and all the hard work they've invested. The matched folks graduate this May with MDs. Dear Lord, they are going to be doctors. Our 2013 graduation will be so lonely without them. Can you believe how time flies? And the handful of us that added a year are left to plunge into the breach.

A beautiful gel for Western blot, loaded and ready

Research is going...strangely. After working on a basic science project all year, I'm not sure if it's going to manifest itself or fall through. However, I've also just started a clinical project that might save my behind when the NIH people come after me for Results with a capital R. Crossed fingers. It's interesting work, looking at what types of people don't respond to treatment for rheumatoid arthritis and how their bones erode. It's actually great stuff. We'll see how it goes; the deadline is a conference coming up in May (and prior to that, an abstract due next week).  I can't believe how much molecular biology and statistics I've learned this year. I hope all the clinical info regarding patients is still in my head somewhere. Unfortunately, I've had no time at all to work on my master's thesis, and I'd love to edit it and submit it. My brain is going to explode one day, wait and see. It'll be interesting. Anyhow, this week I get to teach a high schooler volunteering at the lab. She's a bubbly senior, five foot nothing, long dark hair, wants to major in chemistry. Rock on, my little friend.

B continues to work at the pale house in a certain capital city that shall not be named on a public blog. He's coming home weekend after next, though. Yay! Maybe it'll stop raining enough for us to go hiking. It has occurred to me that it's very late and I should go to bed (this is laughable: by hospital standards it's not even the end of the day). But I am so very happy to get a chance to sleep that I should carpe noctem. Bonne nuit.

March Madness! Career and Gender Musings.

Spring is coming, slowly but surely, to the Bay Area. We have such odd seasons here, I have to say I miss the Philadelphia and DC areas with their stormy winters, lush green springs, humid summers, and crisp, vibrant autumns. But here, in California, in the Bay Area fog-basin, we have buds appearing on the flowering trees, days alternating between 45 and 65 degrees Farenheit, and the flu season finally seems to be tapering off. Influenza is nothing to sneer at, which is why they suggest that anyone is contact with the young, the sick, and elders (>65, although nowadays that doesn't seem very elderly!) receive a flu shot. I generally don't get it, because I tend not to get the flu, unless I know I'll be working with patients whose immune systems are more vulnerable (like the young and the old).

March 5th is our deadline to submit our 4th year schedule for consideration by our advisors. Here's what I'm hoping for:

Tentative Schedule for 4th Year: Each block is 4 weeks long. * = HARD, possibly with overnight call every 4th night.

Spring 2012:
Block 1: Finish Research (In year-long CTR pathway right now)
Block 2: 2 weeks' writing up paper; then 2 weeks' child abuse (if offered) or peds critical care, or other available elective.

Summer 2012:
Block 1: Child Neuro (2nd choice: peds genetics) *
Block 2: Peds Sub-internship *

Fall 2012:
Block 1: Peds Pulmonary *
Block 2: Genetics Clinic
Block 3: Away rotation or Bone Marrow Transplant or Medicine Sub-internship*
Block 4: Vacation (maybe with a narrative writing elective; this is interview time)

~Winter Break~  my last one ever!! Hopefully will go on interviews.

Winter 2013:
Block 1: EKG Interpretation or Medicine Sub-I
Block 2: Cardiology *
Block 3: ICU/NICU or NICN *

Spring 2013:
Block 1: Adolescent Med or Toxicology/Pharm (and/or some vacation)
Block 2: Mandatory end-of-school session
Graduation!


That's right! I'm going for either Child Neuro or Pediatrics +/- eventual fellowship (meaning a sub-specialty like endocrine or cardiology). Also interested in health policy/advocacy. I still have time to change my mind, but I don't think I will. I'm so excited about working with kids AND parents. I think we would be a better society if we listened to children and parents, encouraged them to contribute, and invested in them. Parts of the US really do not have a parent-friendly culture (though I hope celebrity babies will change this mindset), which causes people who happen to be parents to either feel very defensive and that they have to be aggressive advocates for children, or just plain unsupported.

However, I knew I was excited about this choice of fields when they had a Forum discussion on the radio about raising girls to be freer of gender stereotypes (are we STILL talking about pink Barbie/Disney princess dresses? Seriously?!) and I got so riled up I emailed them a comment. They had entirely failed to mention how playing sports has really changed the process of growing up female, and what Title IX (thank you, Congresswoman Patsy Mink) and the subsequent support for female athletes did for our society.

Here are some things that our parents did that rocked my world (and hopefully my brother's) and taught me to be a strong woman. Clearly, we still need to have this conversation. Sigh:

Seven Things My Parents Did Right (and So Can You):

1) Turn off the TV. Limit screen time on weekdays, and turn off the TV. This was a strong policy in our home. Weekdays were workdays, hence no TV. Have computers and TVs in public spaces in the home, not in bedrooms. Getting hooked on teen soaps exposes you not just to the twisted messages of these 20-year-old-playing-teen shows, it also exposes you to all the advertising aimed at the target audience. Tell kids to get outside: it saves their eyesight. The healthiest TV show is still less healthy than going out and living your own life! And then their friends will realize that not *everyone* watches these things, so you'll affect more than just your child! Summers were also more fun because TV was for summer.

2) Criticize Sex in Advertising. Avoid stores that use sexualization to sell stuff. Teach your kids the difference between sexualization and sexuality, and the difference between being admired and desired. Abercrombie & Fitch keeps getting into trouble for this stuff aimed at middle-schoolers. Call these stores names: gross, disgusting, and perverted. Show them the not-very-attractive board of managers and CEO.

3) Avoid Gendered Marketing. Avoid stores that have girl sections and boy sections: for example, substitute your local toy store for Toys 'R' Us, and buy things in unexpected places: a lot of hardware stores have toys. My mom hates TRU and loves the others. Bookstores are also great (although they are dying a slow and painful death). For older teens (driving age), tea and coffee culture is strong and can supplant alcohol (and caffeine is not as bad for teenagers as it was once thought). If you can tell what gender a toy is for (pink beach shovels?), don't buy it. Vote with your wallet and explain why.

4) Treat Kids Like Kids. If you have a girl, treat her like a kid; if you have a boy, treat him like a kid. Give him dolls and animals; give her a log cabin building set. Give them both art supplies. Teach the males how to cook and the girls how to repair things effectively. My brother and I had no concept of things we couldn't both do. Essentially, check your own gender bias at the door. If they have gender bias, remember it's a phase and do your best to be a countercultural rock. It's okay if they turn out different, as long as they understand whole hog what they're getting themselves into.

5) Keep Them Busy. Encourage alternative fun. Let them play sports, get creative, be involved in after school activities -- and, oh, yeah -- study! My dad enrolled me in baseball; my mom gave me a tool kit and indulged countless plays/art projects/choir performances. Let children derive their identity from their skill set, and/or being busy all the time. Not what they look like.

6) Know Their Friends. Make sure they are good friends. Know and care about their friends; invite them over. I remember my dad hosting (by himself) a crazy sleepover party for eight 10-year olds. That's dedication. Teach your kids to care for their friends; then they'll know if their friends don't care for them. If your kid needs helping choosing appropriate friends, teach them how to choose BEFORE they're 16 and sullen and think you're so lame. It will make a world of difference if they have peers they can really lean on in their high school years when things get rough.

7) Have a Career. Take it seriously. Take your kids to work (on acceptable days or weekends) so they can see how adults roll and what you're doing all day while they are at school.

I know each household is different and parents all have different values, but these worked for us. My brother is a very kind, respectful man; I am a very strong woman. We are both good at things that are not stereotypical (he's a great cook; I am good with science and machines). We are still close to each other and our parents. Yay!