Yoga Calm

I have renewed my yoga practice after a long time away from it. I find that the postures are so flexible -- pun intended -- because they can be meditation, strength training, a cardiovascular workout, or physical therapy, depending on how you do them. Right now, as I get stronger, I find myself very sore after a long (1.5 hr) session, but I hope that as I start practicing at home more regularly, it will be a source of comfort as well. I am currently doing Iyengar yoga, which is a very anatomically precise form of Hatha yoga in which postures are held for minutes at a time and props are used so that people whose bodies haven't adjusted or simply aren't as flexible can do the postures with good alignment and form. When I go to classes, I prefer Iyengar because the certification process for teaching is more rigorous than in some of the other branches, so I trust that my instructors have a good knowledge of anatomy, safety, and theory. Ashtanga is a more vigorous form of yoga that I have tried and enjoyed as well -- I do that at home when I feel energetic and want to sweat.

(And below): Indian Stamp series released in 1991

These different types of yoga are just variations on a central theme, which teaches that learning to move and shape your body in certain strict forms strengthens body, mind, and spirit. If you are tired, you can do restorative poses. If you are stressed, balancing ones. If angered over something, challenging twists or intensive flows can help you release the emotion. In traditional Vedic thought, yoga is also a physical prayer and way to union with the universal spirit which dwells in each person. I really do feel that it is a moving mediation, a workout, and a discipline. I suppose that is why they call it a yoga practice. 

It is strange to be an Indian-American woman learning yoga in the US. I sometimes am concerned about how others perceive me, as though I ought to have a better knowledge of yoga because of my ancestry! I realize that is silly, though. I do notice that the Sanskrit pronunciation of words does feel natural to me, likely because it is close to Hindi, which I heard often around our household (although I can only say a few words). Learning yoga here feels as though I am coming full circle in many ways, to be taught the American interpretation of an Indian practice. It helps me think about the parts of me that are Indian and the parts that are American, and how my family has moved from the old culture to a new culture as first-generation immigrants to this wonderful nation.

I have started a yoga journal -- a small, cloth-bound book I found at a bookstore closing sale (the closing of bookstores is another topic, too poignant to combine with this one). In it, I take note of which poses I did that day, any thoughts I had, and whether I sat for meditation. Sitting for meditation is a lovely, peaceful thing to do in one's day, but it can be challenging -- to sit comfortably, to still the mind into that deep, quiet place, and also to find time! But even ten minutes of intent meditation can feel as refreshing as an hour of other activity. I have not yet come up with a meditation routine or method. I have been told that when you are beginning, you should choose a method that is innately appealing, that engages your mind.

Although most meditation includes awareness of the breath, there are a few main schools of thought. There is mantra, or chant. This is the repetition of a certain phrase that carries significance and which acts as a vessel for your mind to calm itself, whether it is "Om mani padme hum," or the Hail Mary. Another type is lovingkindness, where you move from inward to others to the entire world as you project loving emotion. Still another is introspective, using the question "Who am 'I'?" to move inward and look down on your thoughts from above, so to speak. There is also imagery, such as gazing at an imagined flame with your mind's eye, drawing the details of it as a way to focus on something other than your thoughts. Finally, there is mindfulness, which is awareness of self, others, or the surroundings -- this uses the senses to move beyond the fleeting thoughts.

While I am very far from being able to practice all of this with any degree of consistency or reproducibility, and certainly have not achieved the daily practice I aspire to, yoga is a source of hope and calm that I am very glad to have rediscovered.

Step 2 National Licensing Exam on the Horizon

As some of you who have been reading this for a while know, I feel like I shortchanged myself for Step 1 (the first national medical licensing exam). My studying was not that effective during the short time I had, given my master's thesis work. I think I achieved maybe two weeks of good solid studying, and barely squeaked by at the last minute. I later found that most people start studying months, if not years, in advance! It was too little time given how much exam material was not covered in the curriculum of our first two years, and given how little emphasis was placed on the exam by our program. I was probably naive and should have done my own research about the importance of this 8 hour exam, but when someone you trust tells you that you are worrying over nothing, you believe them. Oops.

Scholarship Exam, 1940

Thinking back, I'm not sure why I believed them. My entire life, people have been telling me that I took my academics too seriously. I have often heard that an exam or a grade was unimportant, only to study hard and then realize that it did make a difference later on. Working for a grade only when it 'counted' seemed wrong to me somehow. Shouldn't we be working hard for the sake of doing our best? What frustrated me about this Step 1 episode is that I did work hard the first two years of school, but I felt my energies were often directed toward irrelevant material, such as alternate therapies, politics, and social concerns. Those things are important, but not at the expense of learning the basics of allopathic medicine! I did not make sure that what I was learning correlated to what I needed to learn; I trusted the school to do that and they didn't. I suppose I wish our program had been, for lack of a better word, a stricter one. I also wish I was a little more realistic about the preparation needed.

This brings to mind another myth you hear when applying to medical schools: that all medical schools are pretty much equivalent during the first two years, because it's the clinical years that matter. In my opinion, this is blatantly false. The first two years are your foundation. The quality of teaching and the strength of the syllabus sets you up not only for your board exam studying, but also for the wards. If I were giving someone else advice about choosing a medical school, I would tell them to examine the syllabus for all four years carefully, and look at who is teaching the basic preclinical courses. Are they PhDs without any clinical background? Are they MDs without any teaching background? Are they junior or senior medical student teaching assistants (who are often great)? Do the same professors teach the course year after year? Lectures? Case-based (not necessarily as effective as it is popular)? Both? How well do preclinical grades predict performance on the Step? What sort of board preparation (if any) do they offer? What is their board exam pass rate (can they give you the actual numbers)? In our case, had I looked into this further, I would have seen some serious red flags in terms of the right fit.

Please don't get me wrong -- I am very grateful for all that I have gained and learned during my time in medical school. I understand that no medical school is perfect, and that often, we only get out what we ourselves put in. There are amazing things about my program, which I won't go into here. However, I do not know if I would recommend my program to other pre-medical students. I have no resentment or bitterness about what we didn't learn, but I do feel the need to be truthful about it to others embarking on this journey. For myself, my goal is to move onward with my life and career using everything I did learn.

Anyhow, my experience with Step 1 was a very high-stress way of taking any exam, especially one that turned out to be so much more important than I realized. I do feel that certain doors are now closed to me in terms of both specialty choice and competitiveness of residency programs, which is sad because I know I could have done much better. Looking on the bright side, though -- there is another licensing exam. While a decent Step 2 score may not entirely make up for a low Step 1 score in terms of residency applications, it would theoretically help. Thank goodness there is another exam! Now the pressure is on to prove myself. From every challenging experience or mistake comes a chance to do better, right?

I still have some time before Step 2, so my plan is to go through all the material once through briefly to get a feel for the scope of the material, maybe review some Goljan pathology or internal medicine, and then do as many practice questions as possible from USMLE world. It seems as though everyone uses some variation of review book + online question bank to study for this exam. However, everyone also says that you only need two weeks to study for Step 2, that it's easier than Step 1, etc. That may be true if you felt well prepared for the first Step. Needless to say, I shall not believe it:)

Many of my classmates have taken Step 2, and many are taking it around the same time I am. I hope we all have a better time of it. I will try to continue blogging as I study. Good luck to those taking the exam, and good luck to all those applying for the spring Match! I hope people end up in places and specialties they love. My plan is to smile and keep on keepin' on.

Maui in August

Oheo gulch waterfall pools

My parents gave us a honeymoon for a wedding present! We had a lovely time in Maui. Of course, the only camera I brought was my cell phone. We flew out last Friday and landed in Maui for dinner, which we ordered to our room (Ocean view! Chocolates! Patio! Stove!) at the Hotel Wailea (we were given a honeymoon upgrade). A yummy Italian meal.

The next day, we explored. We went for a run on the beach, bodysurfed, and then made an architecturally robust sand castle that withstood the tide coming in and impressed a discerning 10-year-old. We had lunch at a cafe by the beach and then swam in our pool before eating dinner, which was ravioli that we found locally and cooked on the stove in our suite. On Saturday, we hiked through the beautiful national park, including a tall, dark, ancient bamboo forest, swam in an enormous waterfall pool at Oheo Gulch (at left), and drove the Hana Highway, a winding highway along one of the most beautiful coasts I've ever seen.

We also saw some of the small towns of upcountry Maui during that trip. Lots of horses, some cows, and abundant sugar cane. You know the brand C&H sugar? California & Hawaii! As we drove, we saw an interesting mix of prosperous and working neighborhoods -- I think most of the inland neighborhoods are houses owned by everyday folk, not retirees or the wealthy. The huge differences between the resorts and the towns really illustrated how much the economy of Maui depends on tourism (and therefore the national economy). Many of the little houses reminded me of towns in India; I was expecting something much more like California. Land is relatively cheap in Maui.

Beach properties everywhere

On Monday, we spent more time at the beach, this time protected by new Quicksilver/Roxy rashguards (such a useful souvenir) that had the Hawaiian flag on them. This was to prevent more of the inevitable tan/sunburn under the powerful Maui sun. While we were out there, I spotted a boy of about 7 or 8 who was unable to get to shore against large waves and the tide, which was going out. We asked if he was okay and he said no, so B swam out to him and brought him closer to the beach, then I swam out to them, and between us all we were able to get to shore. It could easily have gone wrong. Scary. Very scary. That evening, we calmed our nerves over a delicious sunset dinner at Capische.

Iron ore in the hills but no metal in ancient Maui

Tuesday was a treat -- we took horses down into a volcanic crater. The red rock (left), the eerie moon-like landscape, and the stunning views made the strong sun worth it (we were above the cloud level at about 9,000 feet). My palomino quarter horse was named Linus because he likes to suck his tongue. Rocky, B's horse, was an absolutely beautiful bay thoroughbred-quarter horse mix. It was tricky footing, but the equines had sure feet and we had riding helmets. These horses climb up and down mountains at elevation all day -- they are ripped! Look at their muscled behinds!

Well-muscled horses ready to descend into the crater and back

General store high tea

We drove through the upcountry and had a heavy tea at the Haliimale General Store, which is an old store that has been converted into a fancy restaurant and tavern (photo at right). We didn't know that! Luckily it was casual, so they didn't blink an eye when we showed up dusty and smelling faintly of horse.

Later, when we arrived in Kapalua, we checked into the Ritz (the very posh RC). Very, um, ritzy. No celebrity sightings, however. We were greeted by leis and given an upgrade to a club room, which apparently is Ritz for "we'll give you free food and alcohol in an exclusive lounge during your stay." Neither B nor I drink much, but the food! What an amazing treat. And they had gourmet tea, coffee, and cookies all the time. We entered our room to extreme luxury -- marble counters, hardwood furniture, shell trim -- and a big bottle of champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries with "congratulations" written on the plate! I have never felt so spoiled.

Welcome to the Ritz, indeed! With champagne.

At the RC club, we ate a delicious breakfast each day facing the golf course, which gave B the opportunity to tell me about his days on the high school team. It was much more fun to watch golf in person with a personal guide to the game than it is on TV. We saw couples, families, and a few near-pros golfing during our stay. Apparently, someone once had a hole-in-one during lunchtime and the entire club balcony was watching, and started cheering. We saw a man climbing the palm tree here (level with the eighth floor!) to trim it -- which I think is even more impressive.

Our cosy breakfast nook overlooking the golf course

We rented snorkeling gear on Wednesday and played with a sea turtle, only a few meters away from the shore! They are beautiful, endangered, and curious ($2000 fine if you touch one). This guy was about three feet long from tip to tail. He was not at all afraid of us; he would have stuck around all day. The turtle was so graceful in the water, and well-camouflaged because all the green patterns on this legs and shell looked similar to sunlight refracting through water. What a peaceful, amazing sight. The Hawaiian word for sea turtle is Honu. We had a sushi dinner at Kai, a new restaurant. They had the freshest sashimi I've ever tasted.

On Thursday, we braved the waves in Lahaina and took a surfing lesson. It was awesome! We both stood up and I think we each began catching our own waves. I thought the standing up part would be the hardest, but it's not. The hard part is paddling into the wave fast enough to catch it and then steering your board once you're up. There were a few collisions out there, but no major damage done. I loved turning around to find B and seeing him on a big wave! Afterwards, we ate lunch under a huge banyan tree that takes up 3/4 of an acre and fills the town square in front of the marina and old courthouse. It was amazing. It looks like five trees have merged; and then you realize it's all the same tree!

Art fair under the huge, multi-trunked banyan tree in Lahaina town square

The next day, we had a rest from all of our outdoor activities. We drove the winding, tiny north shore highway, which is a coastal road that goes from a two-lane state highway with a guard-rail to a one-lane dirt road hugging the cliff, and no rail. Luckily our Ford Escape did great. Along the way were little turnoffs with fruit stands and even a big food cart -- how they managed to tow the cart up there I have no idea. We ended up in Kahului, at the Maui Megaplex (a tiny outdoor mall with a theater). We ate delicious Thai food in a welcoming restaurant and then heard a Taiko drum troupe in the outdoor courtyard. We drove home full and well-rested and watched a movie in our hotel room (Thor -- lots of fun).

One of the many blue lagoons with coral visible through the water

On Saturday, we decided to go snorkeling again, so we made our way to Honolua Bay. We swam out from shore about 50 yards along some beautiful cliffs that had rocky tide pools and other neat little inlets near their feet. We saw lots of beautiful fish and another turtle! He was grazing on seaweed near some rocks, getting washed around in the water as the waves pushed against the rocks. From time to time, he would come up for air and I would go with him, watching his sleek head break the water.

Sadly, a lot of the coral in this bay was dead, which has been attributed to nearby agricultural run-off from the plantations back in the 70s and 80s. Apparently one drop of round-up is a gallon of poison in the water and can kill an immense amount of coral. However, it was still beautiful and we could hear the crunching of thousands of happy fish feeding on the coral, so clearly it was still appetizing. We went home happy and exhausted.

After tea, we drove into Lahaina, where we selected small souvenirs for our families, and generally relaxed. In the evening, we ate at the Banyan Tree (a restaurant, not the actual tree). We shared a local ale and each had the prix fixe menu with goat cheese salad, hamachi starter, and then B had Ahi while I had Hapu fish. For dessert, B had dense, bittersweet chocolate cake with raspberry dressing, and I had a cheesecake with coffee ice cream. It was a little edgy and easily one of the best meals of my life. The chef there, Chef Jojo, who apparently trained with one of the Iron Chefs, came out to wish us a happy honeymoon. He was so kind! We ended the evening by counting constellations from the hotel pool under a light drizzle.

Our last glimpse of Haleakala, the volcano

On our last morning, we had time to eat our last RC breakfast before we had to check out and hit the road. On the drive, we said a last good-bye to the volcano (left). We managed to return the car and get to the airport early -- about two hours early! So B polled the info desk about what we should do. Of course, they said walk to the beach! The airport parking lot connects to a beach road, where we found kite sailing to watch. It was incredible. Some people were leaping 10 or 20 feet into the air. When it was time for our flight, we went through the security line while being entertained by hula dancers. What a nice send-off! I also thought it was neat that because there had been a canoe competition, so a lot of canoe teams were returning to other islands at the same time. And then we boarded our flight to start the journey home, arriving in SFO by the Monday morning redeye.

It was one of the best weeks ever and a dream come true.

The beautiful Hana coast

The Year Ahead

The dust from the wedding has mostly settled. We've moved into our new place, our photographers are slowly getting back to us, and we're still writing thank-you notes to all of the wonderful people who contributed to the start of our married life. We moved into a new place, B is taking the Bar as we speak (goodluckgoodluckgoodluck), and I started my research fellowship. On Friday, we are leaving for a 10-day belated honeymoon in Hawaii! I think all the red tape at work has been taken care of.

Today I started thinking about what happens when I return from the honeymoon. What are the most important things to focus on this year? I want to give a lot of thought to my future career and my professional identity. As a doctor, one can travel many paths: clinical care, education, research, administration. It's hard to do everything, and it's impossible to do everything well. My mentor and I had a conversation about this. Her take was that at some point, you just have to accept that with all the things you do, you will do none of them at your absolute full capacity. While that is true, I don't think it follows that you should overextend yourself to the point where you feel you are doing a mediocre job of everything. So this year is about career discernment. How do I want to make an impact in the world? How can I be of most use? What path will give me the most fulfillment?

The other concern is practice. Often, something just isn't going to be fun or interesting until you have devoted enough time to becoming good at it. I'm 26 now, and one important question comes to mind: how long am I going to spend being a beginner at many things, as opposed to advancing in a few chosen areas? So this year is also for taking stock of the skills and talents I have and capitalizing on them, rather than trying everything on for size. I'm getting impatient with not knowing anything about anything. Also, if you are a beginner you end up taking a lot of help and not giving very much back.

One of the lessons I think America can learn from the UK is that of encouraging vocations in young adults. I think many 16 or 17 year olds do know what kind of work suits them. The trouble in the States is that our indecision is encouraged, even applauded. We do four years of college. Then I did four years of masters/MD, with one research year and one additional clinical year still to go. But the choices that once felt so freeing are beginning to drag me down. I want to define myself further, not open even more doors and then stand before them all saying, "Look at all the things I might do!" Which is why this year is important.

All of this said, I have compiled a checklist of things I want to focus on this year. Hopefully, I will look back at this next May and have a tangible record of whether I met my goal.

2011-2012 Checklist:

1. Work on my work ethic.
2. Submit my thesis work to a journal for publication.
3. Finish a cohesive research project at the lab this year.
4. Decide my top two specialty choices and arrange electives accordingly.
5. Find a non-academic activity to channel my creative energies.
6. Develop good study habits and practice with my licensing exams!
7. Make time for friends and home life.

Even when plans don't work out, isn't it fun to plan? I almost feel like anticipation is half the fun! Hmmm. I don't know if that applies to a honeymoon. Anyhow, until next time!

Dr. K, Teacher and Friend

I've been away celebrating the life of a wonderful friend who happened to be one of our professors. He died when a medical center shuttle ran a red light and was hit side-on by a big-rig hauling cars. He was only 52, and he left a 5-year-old son and a 7-year-old daughter. Our entire community was left in shock at the loss. When I heard the news, I basically couldn't believe that he was gone forever. It was a heartbreaking loss, but (and this is a testimony to his amazing and bright personality), I also felt gratitude for having been one of his students. He was my advisor, and he was one of the key founders of the small case-based curriculum I went through my first three years. He was well loved by many. I didn't always agree with his perspectives, but he and I got along really well (everyone was tickled by his personality, I doubt there was anyone he didn't get along with). He was clearly a devoted teacher and loving father. He wore his heart on his sleeve in the best possible way.

Just to give you a sense of him, this was an excerpt from his last email to me:

"Ni, your letter MADE MY DAY.

thank you so much for taking the time to let me know how you are.
With all that you have to do, it's a bit of a gift from you to me.

know that I am here to help as we go forward in whatever way I can.

warmly, -k"

He was not just loving, but hypomanic (by self-admission): he did inpatient medicine, teaching, worked in Africa to further medical education there, was the curriculum and technology developer for our tiny program, and was the college advisor for over fifty medical students. He touched so many lives, but was never reserved or distant. Not long before his death, I bumped into him in the library, where he told me about mourning for his mom. They had been very close. I was amazed at how open he was with all of us, and how much of his life (especially about his family and kids) he shared. His sense of humor was outrageous but always kind and considerate (which is not an easy feat).

When I wanted to meet with him to discuss career decisions, he invited me over to his house for tea and discussed how he and his partner made his residency ranking list together so that his partner would have a say in where they lived after the Match. He encouraged me not to let board scores influence my decision about specialties. At the time, I didn't agree, but now I think I know what he meant. He had fought his whole life to do things that everyone said were impossible, and he wanted that sense of limitless possibility for me, too. He talked about his son and daughter constantly. He was just a bright, bubbly, happy person and I'm sure he wouldn't want us to be sad now. I have shed a few tears, but I am also filled with a light, beautiful sense of gratitude for his kindness and warmth that I am sure is directly inspired by him. Or Him?


Because, although I didn't know it, Dr. K was a devout Catholic. The priest said, "He was a good Catholic, and he was a true Christian. I know he is in Heaven now with his mother and father, with whom he was so close." Above is where his wake and service were held. The entire church was full. I went to the wake for family and friends because I didn't want to cry in front of people I didn't know. It was lovely to be around the staff, students, and my classmates who all knew him as well or better than I. Their warmth and support felt as though it came from K. His memorial service at the medical center was broadcast to three venues, which were all full. His students and colleagues spoke and it was clear to me that K had shared himself without hesitation with so many people.

The weekend before he died, he left me a voice mail on a Saturday night returning a call. I didn't call him back because I didn't want him to work on a weekend. I hope that the time not spent advising me was used to play with his kids or spend time with his partner. I know that their pain must dwarf ours now. It would have been nice to talk to him again before he died, but I know that Dr. K wouldn't have cared about something as trivial as that. He would simply have wanted there to be no regrets and only happy memories. That said, wasn't it amazing that he returned non-urgent student calls on Saturday night?

It really says something about a man when 300 people can say they all knew him well and loved him. It inspired me to live with joy and a sense of infinity, and to remember to follow my calling, no matter how unlikely it may seem. Thanks, K. You invested so much time in me and all those around you. You cared so much about our lives. You never said a harsh word. Now that you have moved on, we carry you with us always. We will always remember your way of living. We will always appreciate how you gave 110% of yourself. Your life was a huge success and inspiration to so many. You will be missed. And I am so utterly grateful that I knew you. I will try to be more like you going forward. Thank you for everything.

Rest in peace, dear Teacher.

Saturday Morning Flower Market!

Mimi, a school friend of mine, and I decided to spend one recent Saturday morning visiting the big downtown flower market. It's located in what couldn't be a more urban setting, since it consists of basically a parking lot surrounded by stores backing onto two huge airplane- hangar-sized warehouses. The warehouses, however, are filled with any number of beautiful stalls displaying hundreds of varieties, sizes, and colors of flowers and plants.

The early morning is reserved for professional florists with a wholesale badge, which are a hot commodity in the city and which we did not have. One of my other friends recently opened a flower shop in a small town south of the city; I wonder if she goes to the 5 am market! In any case, we wandered in after it was open to the public (trade business ends at 10 am). Since a picture can be worth a thousand words, I won't delay in sharing the rest of these with you. Needless to say, it was a beautiful and peaceful way to spend some lovely hours with my friend on a Saturday morning:

Orchids and ferns remind me of my high school years, spent in Singapore. Orchids are the Singaporean national flower, and they have one of the most beautiful orchid gardens in the world.

Our own SF Bay Area tends to be good for ferns because of the cool, foggy climate. I also enjoy growing indoor succulents and cactus, which are found naturally all over the west and southwest. Being at the flower market made me want my own garden. I'm so glad our new flat has a yard -- you can tell the family (I think mostly the Dad) gives it plenty of care and attention. I will post more pictures of home, but in the meantime, more of the astonishing beauty we found behind the cement walls of this downtown warehouse.

Each of us had a mission: I was buying flowers for our family to give my father for Father's Day, and Mimi was buying flowers for a mutual friend and colleague who is pregnant and whose waters broke early, forcing her to stay on hospital bedrest for nearly a month until her daughter is born (hopefully) safely. While finding the gift, my friend was unable to resist roses for herself before settling on a beautiful potted orchid for the hospital room!

Orchids used to be my absolute favorite flower, but B and I have a little cactus and succulent collection at home and they are quickly working their spiky little way into my heart. On a tangential note, I love my choice of vocation so far, but I have to admit that on beautiful days I do wish it took me outdoors more often. The flower market reminded me that all of this came from somewhere -- nurseries and farms up and down the state.

It is so grounding to smell and see all of these flowers and realize how close we are to growing things, even when we haven't seen any green leaves all day and are surrounded by buildings at work. I found some beautiful (but thorny! Ouch!) roses for Dad that I was commissioned to purchase on behalf of Mom via telephone, and some Dendrobium orchids on sale as well (couldn't resist). I also noticed a tiny little coffee shop anchoring the parking lot of the flower market, although we didn't try it so I can't recommend it one way or the other.


These cactuses are the citrus of the flower world: doesn't it cheer you up just to look at them? In all honesty, the prices were variable --some stalls were charging far more than I was willing to pay, and some seemed to be giving away flowers! Many of them are willing to negotiate, especially towards the end of the morning. I think the flower market is best suited to one of two things -- either you have a specific and unique type of flower in mind, because you are likely to find it (think black roses, miniature varieties of rare plants, organic purple cabbages masquerading as flowers), or you have a specific budget and are just looking for pretty flowers of any variety you can get. However, it's also a good place to cheer yourself up if you are ever feeling blue:

Or purple, or white, or really any color at all! Where do you go for beautiful flowers? How do you feel about cut flowers (do you love them, hate them, or buy them and feel guilty about them)? What about organically grown versus with pesticides? Do you grow your own? In any case, see you next week!

Back to the Blogstead as a Married Lady

Hello again! As I have a wait step in one of my experiments, I have a moment to come and write. I have been away for a long time, but I do have an excuse for my absence: B and I got married at the end of May. It was one of the loveliest things that has ever happened to me. With the help of friends and family, we did a lot of the crafting of the wedding ourselves. I will post more about that in future updates, but just wanted to check back in with my new blog.

Since the wedding (pictured here, with my maid of honor and our officiant in the background), B and I have moved into our new apartment. We had dropped off his belongings from Los Angeles before the wedding, but it was only two weekends after the wedding that we were able to visit my storage unit in Berkeley and recover the possessions I had stored there while living at my parents' place for a year. Now we have a little bit of furniture (although still no chairs), a big computer, and the all-important wireless network! There are still unopened boxes, piles of important papers, and a narrow pathway through the house. However, we do have a functional kitchenette, the laundry has been effortless so far (it's free and four steps from our front door), and the cat has moved back in! Since B and I are both studying at the moment, it's hard to find time to work on unpacking and setting up. Hopefully 15 minutes here and there will eventually lead us to a completed apartment.

We went to the bank and opened a joint account two weekends ago, and the teller asked us, "Does it feel different now that you're married?" It's the standard question you get after a birthday, and in that case the answer is usually no (at least in my case). When he asked us about marriage, though, we looked at each other and paused. It did feel different. They say it's just a piece of paper, but the fact that we separated the legal and the community ceremony shows what we think of that. I think that successful marriages are based on a belief that a private and public declaration of lifelong commitment does absolutely mean something. I am very grateful for it. So it felt different. I am also glad that we both decided to change our names and have a joint account.

In terms of the name change, it became a little controversial among friends and family. Living on the West Coast in such a liberal city, it has gotten to the point where true-blue feminists get angry when they hear you are changing your name, and the traditionalists are miffed if you aren't. We came from two different families in this regard. B's mom changed her name because she did not want to keep her father's, so they all share the same last name. In my family, my brother and I got the same last name but it is an old family name from both sides, and is different from both my father's and mother's last names. So our last name is, in some ways, unique to us. I didn't want to give that up. Apparently, in Denmark at the turn of the last century, name change was so important that the king had to sign off on it (at right)!

When B and I talked about getting married, the name change was an important issue. Your name does represent your identity, after all. Together, we decided that we a) wanted the same family name for all of us and any children we had, and b) we would find a relatively fair way to do it so that I would not be giving up my whole last name while he kept all his names. At first, we thought we would just have two last names, so we would both be Firstname, Middlename, Hislast Mylast. However, California law makes this very difficult, because unlike other types of name change, you cannot do it directly on the marriage license. So we decided we would both change our middle names to my last name, and change our last names to his last name. Now we are Mr. & Mrs. Mylast Hislast, and our children will be, too. Since his last name became our last name, we agreed that we would try to give any kids that came along Indian first names so that they had a lasting sign of their bicultural heritage. I think this final decision shocked both of our parents equally, which is probably indicative of a good decision...just kidding.

Anyway, being married is an incredible gift, as is seeing B every single day. Even on nights when I get home from lab at 7 pm, I still see him more than I did when he was in LA. Imagine that! You know, it boggles my mind that people were so generous as to travel to our wedding and also send us gifts. Their presence at the wedding and the wedding itself was more than enough. What amazing friends and family. Really. I am still writing thank you notes to all these wonderful people.

Since the wedding, I also started my new job! You can see a picture of my very own lab bench, above. It's actually a research fellowship, but I call it my job because it pays me and it's not directly related to the medical school curriculum. I'm working in an immunology lab and it's a great working environment. It's fun to be surrounded by smart people, and there are many clinician-scientists. I've already had the chance to present a patient at conference, which was fun. Hopefully I can begin regularly seeing patients at the weekly clinic. My other goal (other than studying for the second medical licensing exam) is to learn STATA, a statistical software program that is widely used for epidemiology research.

So, in short, we are adjusting to a calmer and more 'normal' way of life as we try to sort out the apartment, the legal Bar studying, the research, and the being married before we go on our (slightly delayed) honeymoon in August (another very generous wedding gift).