The Year Ahead

The dust from the wedding has mostly settled. We've moved into our new place, our photographers are slowly getting back to us, and we're still writing thank-you notes to all of the wonderful people who contributed to the start of our married life. We moved into a new place, B is taking the Bar as we speak (goodluckgoodluckgoodluck), and I started my research fellowship. On Friday, we are leaving for a 10-day belated honeymoon in Hawaii! I think all the red tape at work has been taken care of.

Today I started thinking about what happens when I return from the honeymoon. What are the most important things to focus on this year? I want to give a lot of thought to my future career and my professional identity. As a doctor, one can travel many paths: clinical care, education, research, administration. It's hard to do everything, and it's impossible to do everything well. My mentor and I had a conversation about this. Her take was that at some point, you just have to accept that with all the things you do, you will do none of them at your absolute full capacity. While that is true, I don't think it follows that you should overextend yourself to the point where you feel you are doing a mediocre job of everything. So this year is about career discernment. How do I want to make an impact in the world? How can I be of most use? What path will give me the most fulfillment?

The other concern is practice. Often, something just isn't going to be fun or interesting until you have devoted enough time to becoming good at it. I'm 26 now, and one important question comes to mind: how long am I going to spend being a beginner at many things, as opposed to advancing in a few chosen areas? So this year is also for taking stock of the skills and talents I have and capitalizing on them, rather than trying everything on for size. I'm getting impatient with not knowing anything about anything. Also, if you are a beginner you end up taking a lot of help and not giving very much back.

One of the lessons I think America can learn from the UK is that of encouraging vocations in young adults. I think many 16 or 17 year olds do know what kind of work suits them. The trouble in the States is that our indecision is encouraged, even applauded. We do four years of college. Then I did four years of masters/MD, with one research year and one additional clinical year still to go. But the choices that once felt so freeing are beginning to drag me down. I want to define myself further, not open even more doors and then stand before them all saying, "Look at all the things I might do!" Which is why this year is important.

All of this said, I have compiled a checklist of things I want to focus on this year. Hopefully, I will look back at this next May and have a tangible record of whether I met my goal.

2011-2012 Checklist:

1. Work on my work ethic.
2. Submit my thesis work to a journal for publication.
3. Finish a cohesive research project at the lab this year.
4. Decide my top two specialty choices and arrange electives accordingly.
5. Find a non-academic activity to channel my creative energies.
6. Develop good study habits and practice with my licensing exams!
7. Make time for friends and home life.

Even when plans don't work out, isn't it fun to plan? I almost feel like anticipation is half the fun! Hmmm. I don't know if that applies to a honeymoon. Anyhow, until next time!

Dr. K, Teacher and Friend

I've been away celebrating the life of a wonderful friend who happened to be one of our professors. He died when a medical center shuttle ran a red light and was hit side-on by a big-rig hauling cars. He was only 52, and he left a 5-year-old son and a 7-year-old daughter. Our entire community was left in shock at the loss. When I heard the news, I basically couldn't believe that he was gone forever. It was a heartbreaking loss, but (and this is a testimony to his amazing and bright personality), I also felt gratitude for having been one of his students. He was my advisor, and he was one of the key founders of the small case-based curriculum I went through my first three years. He was well loved by many. I didn't always agree with his perspectives, but he and I got along really well (everyone was tickled by his personality, I doubt there was anyone he didn't get along with). He was clearly a devoted teacher and loving father. He wore his heart on his sleeve in the best possible way.

Just to give you a sense of him, this was an excerpt from his last email to me:

"Ni, your letter MADE MY DAY.

thank you so much for taking the time to let me know how you are.
With all that you have to do, it's a bit of a gift from you to me.

know that I am here to help as we go forward in whatever way I can.

warmly, -k"

He was not just loving, but hypomanic (by self-admission): he did inpatient medicine, teaching, worked in Africa to further medical education there, was the curriculum and technology developer for our tiny program, and was the college advisor for over fifty medical students. He touched so many lives, but was never reserved or distant. Not long before his death, I bumped into him in the library, where he told me about mourning for his mom. They had been very close. I was amazed at how open he was with all of us, and how much of his life (especially about his family and kids) he shared. His sense of humor was outrageous but always kind and considerate (which is not an easy feat).

When I wanted to meet with him to discuss career decisions, he invited me over to his house for tea and discussed how he and his partner made his residency ranking list together so that his partner would have a say in where they lived after the Match. He encouraged me not to let board scores influence my decision about specialties. At the time, I didn't agree, but now I think I know what he meant. He had fought his whole life to do things that everyone said were impossible, and he wanted that sense of limitless possibility for me, too. He talked about his son and daughter constantly. He was just a bright, bubbly, happy person and I'm sure he wouldn't want us to be sad now. I have shed a few tears, but I am also filled with a light, beautiful sense of gratitude for his kindness and warmth that I am sure is directly inspired by him. Or Him?


Because, although I didn't know it, Dr. K was a devout Catholic. The priest said, "He was a good Catholic, and he was a true Christian. I know he is in Heaven now with his mother and father, with whom he was so close." Above is where his wake and service were held. The entire church was full. I went to the wake for family and friends because I didn't want to cry in front of people I didn't know. It was lovely to be around the staff, students, and my classmates who all knew him as well or better than I. Their warmth and support felt as though it came from K. His memorial service at the medical center was broadcast to three venues, which were all full. His students and colleagues spoke and it was clear to me that K had shared himself without hesitation with so many people.

The weekend before he died, he left me a voice mail on a Saturday night returning a call. I didn't call him back because I didn't want him to work on a weekend. I hope that the time not spent advising me was used to play with his kids or spend time with his partner. I know that their pain must dwarf ours now. It would have been nice to talk to him again before he died, but I know that Dr. K wouldn't have cared about something as trivial as that. He would simply have wanted there to be no regrets and only happy memories. That said, wasn't it amazing that he returned non-urgent student calls on Saturday night?

It really says something about a man when 300 people can say they all knew him well and loved him. It inspired me to live with joy and a sense of infinity, and to remember to follow my calling, no matter how unlikely it may seem. Thanks, K. You invested so much time in me and all those around you. You cared so much about our lives. You never said a harsh word. Now that you have moved on, we carry you with us always. We will always remember your way of living. We will always appreciate how you gave 110% of yourself. Your life was a huge success and inspiration to so many. You will be missed. And I am so utterly grateful that I knew you. I will try to be more like you going forward. Thank you for everything.

Rest in peace, dear Teacher.

Saturday Morning Flower Market!

Mimi, a school friend of mine, and I decided to spend one recent Saturday morning visiting the big downtown flower market. It's located in what couldn't be a more urban setting, since it consists of basically a parking lot surrounded by stores backing onto two huge airplane- hangar-sized warehouses. The warehouses, however, are filled with any number of beautiful stalls displaying hundreds of varieties, sizes, and colors of flowers and plants.

The early morning is reserved for professional florists with a wholesale badge, which are a hot commodity in the city and which we did not have. One of my other friends recently opened a flower shop in a small town south of the city; I wonder if she goes to the 5 am market! In any case, we wandered in after it was open to the public (trade business ends at 10 am). Since a picture can be worth a thousand words, I won't delay in sharing the rest of these with you. Needless to say, it was a beautiful and peaceful way to spend some lovely hours with my friend on a Saturday morning:

Orchids and ferns remind me of my high school years, spent in Singapore. Orchids are the Singaporean national flower, and they have one of the most beautiful orchid gardens in the world.

Our own SF Bay Area tends to be good for ferns because of the cool, foggy climate. I also enjoy growing indoor succulents and cactus, which are found naturally all over the west and southwest. Being at the flower market made me want my own garden. I'm so glad our new flat has a yard -- you can tell the family (I think mostly the Dad) gives it plenty of care and attention. I will post more pictures of home, but in the meantime, more of the astonishing beauty we found behind the cement walls of this downtown warehouse.

Each of us had a mission: I was buying flowers for our family to give my father for Father's Day, and Mimi was buying flowers for a mutual friend and colleague who is pregnant and whose waters broke early, forcing her to stay on hospital bedrest for nearly a month until her daughter is born (hopefully) safely. While finding the gift, my friend was unable to resist roses for herself before settling on a beautiful potted orchid for the hospital room!

Orchids used to be my absolute favorite flower, but B and I have a little cactus and succulent collection at home and they are quickly working their spiky little way into my heart. On a tangential note, I love my choice of vocation so far, but I have to admit that on beautiful days I do wish it took me outdoors more often. The flower market reminded me that all of this came from somewhere -- nurseries and farms up and down the state.

It is so grounding to smell and see all of these flowers and realize how close we are to growing things, even when we haven't seen any green leaves all day and are surrounded by buildings at work. I found some beautiful (but thorny! Ouch!) roses for Dad that I was commissioned to purchase on behalf of Mom via telephone, and some Dendrobium orchids on sale as well (couldn't resist). I also noticed a tiny little coffee shop anchoring the parking lot of the flower market, although we didn't try it so I can't recommend it one way or the other.


These cactuses are the citrus of the flower world: doesn't it cheer you up just to look at them? In all honesty, the prices were variable --some stalls were charging far more than I was willing to pay, and some seemed to be giving away flowers! Many of them are willing to negotiate, especially towards the end of the morning. I think the flower market is best suited to one of two things -- either you have a specific and unique type of flower in mind, because you are likely to find it (think black roses, miniature varieties of rare plants, organic purple cabbages masquerading as flowers), or you have a specific budget and are just looking for pretty flowers of any variety you can get. However, it's also a good place to cheer yourself up if you are ever feeling blue:

Or purple, or white, or really any color at all! Where do you go for beautiful flowers? How do you feel about cut flowers (do you love them, hate them, or buy them and feel guilty about them)? What about organically grown versus with pesticides? Do you grow your own? In any case, see you next week!